I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
