I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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