I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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