You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
