Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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