did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
