My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
