I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My balls are so social today.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
