he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
