Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
