Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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