i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
