You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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