The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
