I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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