So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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