i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
