Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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