I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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