I love black thongs
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
