By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
