I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
