in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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