Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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