our cab driver is having phone sex.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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