I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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