cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
