Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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