i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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