that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
