I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
