Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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