I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
