Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
