i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
