the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Blood and glitter go together right?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
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What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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