Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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