The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize