4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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