omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
