We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
