The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
