im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
