dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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