By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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