i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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