I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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