so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
