things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
