my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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