Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
