You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
