That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
