I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
