I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?