I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH