she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My penis needs a shock collar
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you