onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
