don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
