He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
