Bisexual people are plain selfish.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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