we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Come on in and take your pants off
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