My sheets look like a crime scene.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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